THE PLAN

In case you haven't figured it out by my previous posts, I'm not exactly someone who has their life together, like at all. Winter this year has been rough on me, and I've been battling with ridiculous amounts of envy towards people my age who are doing things with their lives. However, in an effort to be more positive I've spent some time really working on a plan. No more "what if's, maybe's or if only's" just real, tangible goals that I can work up towards and I think I have figured it out. For the first time I have plotted myself a real career path that I'm excited to get started on. It will be hard work, I have to re-do some high school credits, re-do some university credits but I can honestly say I have never been more excited to learn math in my life. Now that I know I can work hard to raise a child, what's to stop me from continuing (other than university tuition, childcare and other living fees) to reach higher. I will be have to work my ass off, I've already started but once I register for courses there isn't going to be much down time for the next 4-5 years but I think I can do it, I'm still young and I have an amazingly supportive family so why not.

*Disclaimer* Since writing this post my potential prospects are far less tangible than I had expected, but nevertheless I am working hard to remain optimistic and still find some way to make it work.

SAYING THANKS

I feel like I have been very negative on this space for the last little while, this is probably due to the fact that I have been feeling very negative in my life in general the last little while. I tend to find myself slipping down a very familiar slope when the weather is cold and I am stuck indoors and those feeling have been exacerbated by feeling isolated in a foreign country, but I am determined not to let myself slip too far into bad habits this time. I wanted to just take a moment to be grateful and focus on all the positive things in my life. So no pictures, no fancy ideas, just me giving thanks for all the wonderful things I have.

one. Thank you Bean

For being the light of my life, for being able to make me smile no matter how blue I am feeling and for being the driving reason for me to get out of bed every single morning.

two. Thank you H

For providing for our little family, for supporting me while I try to figure out what to do with my life and for being so attractive it's a little bit unfair.

three. Thank you, my family

My parents, my grandmother, my sister, my aunts and really everyone have really been supportive of me and trying to help me when I come to them with problems big and small and I am also so thankful for all the love they show towards Bean, this little boy is surrounded by love.

four. Thank you, H's family

His whole family has been so welcoming towards us and very kind to me despite the language barrier. They all try to speak a little English with me which is incredible. H's parents are always happy to take Bean if we have things we have to get done, and his mom has always been able to come by if I need some extra help when H is at school. His sister-in-law has been so kind to me, checking in with me to see how I am doing and I love that we can talk about things, I wish we could spend more time together so our kids could play together too.

I have so many other things to be thankful for, and I am extremely grateful that I get to live comfortably and have access to everything that I need. I know that I need to express my gratitude more frequently. because it's hard to feel low when you focus on all the wonderful things in your life.

HOW NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm a bit of an asshole. You probably are too, you just don't realize it (or like me, don't want to realize it). Around ninety-seven percent of the time that I'm being an asshole I'm not aware of it, I had always fancied myself as a kind and generous person but recent experience with self-realization has flushed that notion down the drain.

Now I don't think being an asshole is incurable and when I do make the effort I am a lot more aware of my actions so here are a few tips you can put to use in your lives. 

one. Respect a person's time

This one hasn't been a big thing for me personally (I'm a chronic early arriver) but oh boy have I been on the receiving end of this. If you say you are going to meet someone/call someone/ do something for someone at a certain time then do it. If for whatever reason you won't be able to call (or text) to let them know. Simple as that, a text to cancel takes literally seconds or your day and can save a mountain of grief. Your time is not worth more than other peoples, stop acting like it. 

two. Stop playing the blame game

Everyone has crappy things happen their lives, everyone probably has has crappy people in their lives. It sucks, it drains you, it can damage your soul but only you can be responsible for turning that around. I've wasted so much of my life blaming my misfortunes on other people and it made me an extremely negative person. I'm not saying forgive and forget but rather accept that you cannot change the past and if you let your hurt weigh you down it can seep into all facets of your life. 

three. Not everything is about you

This is tied to the previous tip. Maybe you're pissed because your friends cancelled on you, or that your barista made your drink wrong or a woman snapped at you when you accidentally bumped into her. These little annoyances happen but don't contribute to them further by passing them on. Some are accidents, some are people being unintentional assholes, it's annoying but nothing more and definitely don't let them ruin your day. 

four. Be kind

When you ask for something say please, when someone makes an effort for you say thank you. Hold the door for someone, pick up the thing that someone has dropped, pay for someone's latte. Obviously there are situations when being kind is not beneficial (such as being cat called or when you know someone is intentionally taking advantage of you) but taking a kind approach to life in general is rarely a bad thing. 

five. Figure out how others feel loved

People feel love in different ways. In relationships (romantic, familial or otherwise) people can feel hurt if they don't feel loved, and unfortunately the way you feel loved might be different from the way that I'm used to showing love. Communication is super key here, to let others know what they can do for you and finding out what you can do for them. For example I feel love from gifts and actions, not in the self-centered materialistic way but rather in the tokens of affection way, like in that moment you were thinking of me. In comparison H feels love through spending time with me, if I can make myself available and set aside time for use to be with one another (doesn't matter what we are doing) he feels loved. It's not hard to figure out, it just takes you out of your own little bubble and to try to think like the other person for a moment and believe me it can make a world of difference. 

*bonus tip. Listen

I realized after I picked five that this one is kind of extremely important. Listen to what other people say, if your mother asks you to pick up milk on the way home, pay attention and remember to do it. If your partner is upset about something listen to their problem and see what you can do to help. If your little cousin wants to tell you about his new dinosaur toy pay attention and smile. Again, actually listening (and remembering) what people say can save you a lot of trouble. When you remember what people say it shows them that they are important, that they are a priority. If you are chronically forgetting what people say to you, to the point they they are hurt or calling you out on it write it down. There is no shame in writing things down if you have trouble remembering requests like picking up groceries or calling the doctor or a favour that you had promised to do for someone. Make an effort for other people and you won't seem like such an asshole. 

IS THIS IT?

When you are a teenager it feels like high school is the entire world. It feels like your friends, your love life (or rather there lack of), your grades are the be all and end all of your existence. Then you get into your twenties, and you think, wow that was so silly to get so caught up in high school politics, and drama and now you think that you are much wiser and therefore you won't get yourself into that type of emotional mess again. As you twenties move on you graduate university, you have zero job prospects, you probably live at home again, you have goals and aspirations but instead you work just enough to get by and drink a lot of wine on the weekends feeling hopeless. Does this sound familiar? Everyone else around you seems to have their shit figured out and they all just give you a sad little smile and say "don't worry, with some hard work you'll get there too". Now I'm not going to say that nobody has their shit figured out, it's not true, there are definitely some people out there who do have a pretty good grasp on this whole adulthood thing, I am definitely not one of them. Everyone wants a step by step guide to get them somewhere, a simple formula that so long as you do X and Y together you will be able to achieve Z. But again that's not true, yes many successful people wake up earlier in the day, many have a strict routine that they adhere to, many drink coffee without cream or sugar but doing all those things of course won't bring you success. I wish I could say something motivational and uplifting to end this but I guess you can just take solace in the fact that I feel just as lost as you.

THE SIMPLE LIFE: SLOWING DOWN

(Like my new plant? It's a Hoya Linearis, fingers crossed I don't kill it)

I have had my next "The Simple Life" post sitting in my drafts for months now, I wrote out most of it and then saved it and kept coming back to it to tweak but it never sat right. It was about single-tasking but I realized that single-tasking is only part of the idea that I was trying to convey. I want to talk about slowing down, and the importance of slow. Apparently there is a  whole movement behind this way of thinking, which I discovered as I was looking into pre-school programs for Bean. So what does it mean to slow down? Part of it is single-tasking, and prioritizing the important tasks while cutting out the superfluous once. Part of it is just generally being more efficient and effective with your time. Most of all however, I think it means really being present in whatever it is you are doing, giving each individual thing (task, person, moment,,,etc) your complete and undivided attention and as a result you will have a much more positive (and productive) experience.

Okay, well that all sounds well and good but how the heck are we supposed to apply that to real life? On a daily basis I have to keep the house clean, plan meals, run errands, exercise, keep track of everyone's lives, plan for my future etc, while also keeping a small human being alive and happy. As a parent there is only so much "slow" that is possible I think but it is possible to decelerate on a day to day basis. Below I have mentioned a few of the things that have worked for me and my lifestyle.

one. Write it down!

I live in my head, I take on mountains of responsibility and then get super overwhelmed when I feel like I have to keep track of everything. So I write it down, whether it is my grocery list, my plans for the week, my story ideas or just those little thoughts that I can't seem to get out of my brain. If I can remove a few of the items that are racing through my brain and put them on paper it really helps me re-focus myself and re-establish my sanity.

two. Yoga

I have been doing yoga consistently since the beginning of the new year, I've rarely missed more than a day or two and I have noticed a difference in myself. In yoga you don't get to go fast, if you want to have an effective practice you need to accept stillness in order to focus on your breath. This stillness has really helped me slow down, so much so that even when I am off the mat I have become more aware of my breath during the day and have been able to take that moment to remember to savor that experience. Checking in with my breath has made me enjoy the mundane so much more, and helped me appreciate each second that I am here.

three. Playing with Bean

Of course I have to put this one in here, and I think this is something every parent should do; just take some time in your day to really focus on your child. I know lives get busy, and I am lucky enough to be at home all day with son but I cannot stress enough the importance of checking in with your kid. Bean likes to play on his own, probably because he doesn't see other kids much, so usually I can get my stuff done while he is banging his blocks or rolling around with his teddy bear. I feel guilty when I am not paying attention to him every second but I also know I have things I need to get done too so I really try to put aside a chunk of my day to lie on the carpet and play with him, or watch him play and see what new things he is doing and learning. I think slowing down is especially important with kids because they change so quickly, and while they might be in a difficult stage (ie. angsty teen phase) each moment that passes is them getting older and changing and now I am rambling but what I am trying to say is appreciate your time with them. This also doesn't have to be just kids, it can be anyone you care about, parents, friends, siblings, partners, pets...anyone. Just slow down and appreciate having these people in your life.

Okay, sorry I got a little emotional there so here is just one last thing to finish this off. Slowing down is hard, the world we live in so fast paced and there is such a huge focus on instant gratification which I definitely fall into. But when I do remember to slow down, my experience is so much better, like infinitely better so that little extra effort to remember is worth the while.

A FEW OF BEAN'S FAVOURITE THINGS

Toys, they come in all shapes and forms but they are unavoidable once you have kids. I remember every Christmas my sister and I would gather all the flyers from our favourite big box shops and circle all the things we wanted to put on our wishlist for Santa. Toys are a big parts of a child's life I think, and can be a huge battle for parents. Advertising targeting children is probably one of the more disturbing facets of our modern media but I think (read: hope) that with the right foundation laid you can teach your kid to value things as more than something shiny, plastic and new. I'm all about fostering creativity, and even though he is only one I can already see his little mind working when it comes to his play things, here are a few of his favourites:

one. Empty lotion bottles

Don't ask me why but for some reason whenever Bean is on his change table he needs to have a lotion bottle in his hands, it has been like this for a long time but if he starts getting fidget-y or whiney when we change his bum or dress him all we have to hand him one of the empty lotion bottles and hes all smiles again.

two. Empty water bottles

Are you sensing a theme here? Bean has a thing for recyclables (not included here are empty cardboard boxes if he manages to find one lying around). My inner environmentalist is kicking me but Germans don't drink tap water, pretty much all water come pre-bottled but in their defense they have a pretty rigorous recycling system to compensate. So pretty much we have a lot of empty bottles lying around at any given time and Bean LOVES to knock them around and chase them around the apartment

three. Anything cup-like

If you can see above there is a blue sheep face in the lower right-hand corner and then near the top left is the bottom piece, its legs, Those are part of what is essentially a matryoshka doll made up of farm animals, and Bean loves to either chase them or find things to put into each half.

four. Anything round/with wheels

This is pretty predictable, the idea of motion still seems so novel to Bean so he is delighted when he can make something move or watch the wheels turn. The wooden police truck and the blue round block are two of his favourites but he really isn't too particular when it comes to things that are circular.

ON BEING REMARKABLE

In my eleventh grade creative writing course, for the last term of the year we had to put together a poetry portfolio comprising of a few of our own original pieces as well as some course mandated ones. One of our assigned tasks was to write a poem with an epitaph and although I learned now that the term epitaph was used loosely (she just wanted us to begin our work with a quote) it lead to one of my poems that has stuck with me though out the years. I, being the lazy student that I was, used the miss-attributed and miss-quoted quote (serves me right for using something from the opening of a Criminal Minds episode) "nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable" supposedly by William Shakespeare. Now while this was an overall fail in just about every respect it has provided me with my motivation in recent years when trying to decide how I wanted to live my life.

Trying to be remarkable fueled my university years, I lived unconventionally (read: slovenly), I dressed weirdly (oversized coats and tight black dresses), I partied too hard and I came up short academically...yet all of that is pretty well the makings of any university typical university experience. Then something happened that did set me apart from the rest, I got pregnant and suddenly everything I was doing to try to be different could no longer co-exist with the fact that I was bringing new life into this world. In light of that realization I did what I thought I had to do, I conformed, I conformed to what was expected of me as woman, as new mom and I hated it. I feel more ordinary now than I ever have my entire life, and while it is comfortable and safe I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this is not the life for me. I probably won't be breaking out the black lipstick on regular basis any time soon, but I want to make a genuine effort set myself apart from everyone and live my life for me. I have never felt like I fit in, and it really brought me down for a long a time but now I want for my son to be happy with who he is and who better to teach him than me. It's time to let my inner freak flag fly and to stop caring about what I am supposed to do, and start putting my energy in to what it is that I want to do, even if it feels ridiculous (like wearing dresses every day) because you can't be remarkable if you worry about being like everyone else, you have to stand on your own and shine!