HOW NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm a bit of an asshole. You probably are too, you just don't realize it (or like me, don't want to realize it). Around ninety-seven percent of the time that I'm being an asshole I'm not aware of it, I had always fancied myself as a kind and generous person but recent experience with self-realization has flushed that notion down the drain.

Now I don't think being an asshole is incurable and when I do make the effort I am a lot more aware of my actions so here are a few tips you can put to use in your lives. 

one. Respect a person's time

This one hasn't been a big thing for me personally (I'm a chronic early arriver) but oh boy have I been on the receiving end of this. If you say you are going to meet someone/call someone/ do something for someone at a certain time then do it. If for whatever reason you won't be able to call (or text) to let them know. Simple as that, a text to cancel takes literally seconds or your day and can save a mountain of grief. Your time is not worth more than other peoples, stop acting like it. 

two. Stop playing the blame game

Everyone has crappy things happen their lives, everyone probably has has crappy people in their lives. It sucks, it drains you, it can damage your soul but only you can be responsible for turning that around. I've wasted so much of my life blaming my misfortunes on other people and it made me an extremely negative person. I'm not saying forgive and forget but rather accept that you cannot change the past and if you let your hurt weigh you down it can seep into all facets of your life. 

three. Not everything is about you

This is tied to the previous tip. Maybe you're pissed because your friends cancelled on you, or that your barista made your drink wrong or a woman snapped at you when you accidentally bumped into her. These little annoyances happen but don't contribute to them further by passing them on. Some are accidents, some are people being unintentional assholes, it's annoying but nothing more and definitely don't let them ruin your day. 

four. Be kind

When you ask for something say please, when someone makes an effort for you say thank you. Hold the door for someone, pick up the thing that someone has dropped, pay for someone's latte. Obviously there are situations when being kind is not beneficial (such as being cat called or when you know someone is intentionally taking advantage of you) but taking a kind approach to life in general is rarely a bad thing. 

five. Figure out how others feel loved

People feel love in different ways. In relationships (romantic, familial or otherwise) people can feel hurt if they don't feel loved, and unfortunately the way you feel loved might be different from the way that I'm used to showing love. Communication is super key here, to let others know what they can do for you and finding out what you can do for them. For example I feel love from gifts and actions, not in the self-centered materialistic way but rather in the tokens of affection way, like in that moment you were thinking of me. In comparison H feels love through spending time with me, if I can make myself available and set aside time for use to be with one another (doesn't matter what we are doing) he feels loved. It's not hard to figure out, it just takes you out of your own little bubble and to try to think like the other person for a moment and believe me it can make a world of difference. 

*bonus tip. Listen

I realized after I picked five that this one is kind of extremely important. Listen to what other people say, if your mother asks you to pick up milk on the way home, pay attention and remember to do it. If your partner is upset about something listen to their problem and see what you can do to help. If your little cousin wants to tell you about his new dinosaur toy pay attention and smile. Again, actually listening (and remembering) what people say can save you a lot of trouble. When you remember what people say it shows them that they are important, that they are a priority. If you are chronically forgetting what people say to you, to the point they they are hurt or calling you out on it write it down. There is no shame in writing things down if you have trouble remembering requests like picking up groceries or calling the doctor or a favour that you had promised to do for someone. Make an effort for other people and you won't seem like such an asshole. 

IS THIS IT?

When you are a teenager it feels like high school is the entire world. It feels like your friends, your love life (or rather there lack of), your grades are the be all and end all of your existence. Then you get into your twenties, and you think, wow that was so silly to get so caught up in high school politics, and drama and now you think that you are much wiser and therefore you won't get yourself into that type of emotional mess again. As you twenties move on you graduate university, you have zero job prospects, you probably live at home again, you have goals and aspirations but instead you work just enough to get by and drink a lot of wine on the weekends feeling hopeless. Does this sound familiar? Everyone else around you seems to have their shit figured out and they all just give you a sad little smile and say "don't worry, with some hard work you'll get there too". Now I'm not going to say that nobody has their shit figured out, it's not true, there are definitely some people out there who do have a pretty good grasp on this whole adulthood thing, I am definitely not one of them. Everyone wants a step by step guide to get them somewhere, a simple formula that so long as you do X and Y together you will be able to achieve Z. But again that's not true, yes many successful people wake up earlier in the day, many have a strict routine that they adhere to, many drink coffee without cream or sugar but doing all those things of course won't bring you success. I wish I could say something motivational and uplifting to end this but I guess you can just take solace in the fact that I feel just as lost as you.

THE SIMPLE LIFE: SLOWING DOWN

(Like my new plant? It's a Hoya Linearis, fingers crossed I don't kill it)

I have had my next "The Simple Life" post sitting in my drafts for months now, I wrote out most of it and then saved it and kept coming back to it to tweak but it never sat right. It was about single-tasking but I realized that single-tasking is only part of the idea that I was trying to convey. I want to talk about slowing down, and the importance of slow. Apparently there is a  whole movement behind this way of thinking, which I discovered as I was looking into pre-school programs for Bean. So what does it mean to slow down? Part of it is single-tasking, and prioritizing the important tasks while cutting out the superfluous once. Part of it is just generally being more efficient and effective with your time. Most of all however, I think it means really being present in whatever it is you are doing, giving each individual thing (task, person, moment,,,etc) your complete and undivided attention and as a result you will have a much more positive (and productive) experience.

Okay, well that all sounds well and good but how the heck are we supposed to apply that to real life? On a daily basis I have to keep the house clean, plan meals, run errands, exercise, keep track of everyone's lives, plan for my future etc, while also keeping a small human being alive and happy. As a parent there is only so much "slow" that is possible I think but it is possible to decelerate on a day to day basis. Below I have mentioned a few of the things that have worked for me and my lifestyle.

one. Write it down!

I live in my head, I take on mountains of responsibility and then get super overwhelmed when I feel like I have to keep track of everything. So I write it down, whether it is my grocery list, my plans for the week, my story ideas or just those little thoughts that I can't seem to get out of my brain. If I can remove a few of the items that are racing through my brain and put them on paper it really helps me re-focus myself and re-establish my sanity.

two. Yoga

I have been doing yoga consistently since the beginning of the new year, I've rarely missed more than a day or two and I have noticed a difference in myself. In yoga you don't get to go fast, if you want to have an effective practice you need to accept stillness in order to focus on your breath. This stillness has really helped me slow down, so much so that even when I am off the mat I have become more aware of my breath during the day and have been able to take that moment to remember to savor that experience. Checking in with my breath has made me enjoy the mundane so much more, and helped me appreciate each second that I am here.

three. Playing with Bean

Of course I have to put this one in here, and I think this is something every parent should do; just take some time in your day to really focus on your child. I know lives get busy, and I am lucky enough to be at home all day with son but I cannot stress enough the importance of checking in with your kid. Bean likes to play on his own, probably because he doesn't see other kids much, so usually I can get my stuff done while he is banging his blocks or rolling around with his teddy bear. I feel guilty when I am not paying attention to him every second but I also know I have things I need to get done too so I really try to put aside a chunk of my day to lie on the carpet and play with him, or watch him play and see what new things he is doing and learning. I think slowing down is especially important with kids because they change so quickly, and while they might be in a difficult stage (ie. angsty teen phase) each moment that passes is them getting older and changing and now I am rambling but what I am trying to say is appreciate your time with them. This also doesn't have to be just kids, it can be anyone you care about, parents, friends, siblings, partners, pets...anyone. Just slow down and appreciate having these people in your life.

Okay, sorry I got a little emotional there so here is just one last thing to finish this off. Slowing down is hard, the world we live in so fast paced and there is such a huge focus on instant gratification which I definitely fall into. But when I do remember to slow down, my experience is so much better, like infinitely better so that little extra effort to remember is worth the while.

A FEW OF BEAN'S FAVOURITE THINGS

Toys, they come in all shapes and forms but they are unavoidable once you have kids. I remember every Christmas my sister and I would gather all the flyers from our favourite big box shops and circle all the things we wanted to put on our wishlist for Santa. Toys are a big parts of a child's life I think, and can be a huge battle for parents. Advertising targeting children is probably one of the more disturbing facets of our modern media but I think (read: hope) that with the right foundation laid you can teach your kid to value things as more than something shiny, plastic and new. I'm all about fostering creativity, and even though he is only one I can already see his little mind working when it comes to his play things, here are a few of his favourites:

one. Empty lotion bottles

Don't ask me why but for some reason whenever Bean is on his change table he needs to have a lotion bottle in his hands, it has been like this for a long time but if he starts getting fidget-y or whiney when we change his bum or dress him all we have to hand him one of the empty lotion bottles and hes all smiles again.

two. Empty water bottles

Are you sensing a theme here? Bean has a thing for recyclables (not included here are empty cardboard boxes if he manages to find one lying around). My inner environmentalist is kicking me but Germans don't drink tap water, pretty much all water come pre-bottled but in their defense they have a pretty rigorous recycling system to compensate. So pretty much we have a lot of empty bottles lying around at any given time and Bean LOVES to knock them around and chase them around the apartment

three. Anything cup-like

If you can see above there is a blue sheep face in the lower right-hand corner and then near the top left is the bottom piece, its legs, Those are part of what is essentially a matryoshka doll made up of farm animals, and Bean loves to either chase them or find things to put into each half.

four. Anything round/with wheels

This is pretty predictable, the idea of motion still seems so novel to Bean so he is delighted when he can make something move or watch the wheels turn. The wooden police truck and the blue round block are two of his favourites but he really isn't too particular when it comes to things that are circular.

ON BEING REMARKABLE

In my eleventh grade creative writing course, for the last term of the year we had to put together a poetry portfolio comprising of a few of our own original pieces as well as some course mandated ones. One of our assigned tasks was to write a poem with an epitaph and although I learned now that the term epitaph was used loosely (she just wanted us to begin our work with a quote) it lead to one of my poems that has stuck with me though out the years. I, being the lazy student that I was, used the miss-attributed and miss-quoted quote (serves me right for using something from the opening of a Criminal Minds episode) "nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable" supposedly by William Shakespeare. Now while this was an overall fail in just about every respect it has provided me with my motivation in recent years when trying to decide how I wanted to live my life.

Trying to be remarkable fueled my university years, I lived unconventionally (read: slovenly), I dressed weirdly (oversized coats and tight black dresses), I partied too hard and I came up short academically...yet all of that is pretty well the makings of any university typical university experience. Then something happened that did set me apart from the rest, I got pregnant and suddenly everything I was doing to try to be different could no longer co-exist with the fact that I was bringing new life into this world. In light of that realization I did what I thought I had to do, I conformed, I conformed to what was expected of me as woman, as new mom and I hated it. I feel more ordinary now than I ever have my entire life, and while it is comfortable and safe I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this is not the life for me. I probably won't be breaking out the black lipstick on regular basis any time soon, but I want to make a genuine effort set myself apart from everyone and live my life for me. I have never felt like I fit in, and it really brought me down for a long a time but now I want for my son to be happy with who he is and who better to teach him than me. It's time to let my inner freak flag fly and to stop caring about what I am supposed to do, and start putting my energy in to what it is that I want to do, even if it feels ridiculous (like wearing dresses every day) because you can't be remarkable if you worry about being like everyone else, you have to stand on your own and shine!

BOOKS: MARABOU STORK NIGHTMARES

I used to be voracious reader, like in high school I was the kid never paying attention because I would be reading a book hidden beneath my desk. Once university came around, reading for pleasure fell by the way side and minus a few bursts of binge reading I have never really been able to make a habit of it again. Well 2015 is going to be the year I change that and I started off with an interesting choice as my first book finished of the year: Marabou Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh.

This book was so out of my usual comfort zone for books which I think is what I needed. Generally I read trashy crime novels, YA fiction with several other miscellaneous genres in which the plot generally revolves around people who feel lost and disconnected from the world...I'm very predictable. Marabou Stork Nightmares still focused on an oddball character Roy Strang but the story is mostly told through his subconscious and just in general a very different style than I am used to. I am not sure how much I enjoyed the book for the book itself but I really enjoyed the fact that I had no idea what was going to happen and I liked the unreliable narrator point of view. This book was brutal and difficult to read at points (the Edinburgh Scottish accent) but I do recommend it, and I will definitely be reading it again at some point when I get my own copy.

Would recommend? Yes, but not for the faint of heart.

** Instead of ranking by stars which I think is super arbitrary I will just say if I recommend a book or not.

YEAR IN REVIEW PART III: 2015

Happy New year, here are the final ten questions to ring in the new year.

forty-one. I want my theme for the next year to be progress, moving forward and getting myself to where I want to be.

forty-two. I'm not really one for seeing/discovering/exploring, I just want to live my life, I never set out to raise a family in a foreign land but it happened, so lets see what happens next.

forty-three. I live far away from a lot of the people I would like to see more so it would be an unrealistic goal but I want to appreciate my time here with my little family more, and not take it for granted.

forty-four. I want to learn how to do the splits, I want to be fluent in German (aiming high, I know), I want to be more disciplined with my writing and I want to master my self control around chocolate.

forty-five. I want to get better (and more consistent) with meditation, I want to foster my desire to be a better person and maybe volunteer, or be more rigorous with my recycling and I want a stomach that you can bounce a coin off of.

forty-six. Overall I want my everyday life to be productive, I survived the first year of motherhood by just getting through each day. Now that Bean is more independent I have no excuse not to be working towards doing something with my life.

forty-seven. I want to change my computer habits, I spend too much time on my computer doing nothing. Other habits I want to change or grow or get rid of have been touched on already.

forty-eight. Honestly, I want to have a job next year, any job really, I am not in any position to be picky.

forty-nine. I want 2015 to be the year that I found my footing, that I figured out what direction I want my life to go in.

fifty. My number one goal is to do what makes me happy. I feel like I have spent a lot of time worrying about everyone else and everything else and honestly wallowing in my own misery sometimes so I need to get it together and take care of myself.