YEAR IN REVIEW PART II

Onwards,here are the next twenty questions.

twenty-one. My most common mental state was probably nervous, I don't care much for change and this whole year has been change.

twenty-two. I went on a roller-coaster for the first time, which was the first thing listed on my bucket-list.

twenty-three. I don't think I have a favourite moment, nothing really stands out as the best. At the risk of sounding like a broken record all the "firsts" of Bean's first year of life have been incredible so probably one of those moments.

twenty-four. Taking better care of myself has been a major achievement this year, it is definitely still a work in progress but I think I laid a fairly solid foundation for it this year.

twenty-five. My worries regarding getting into Germany, getting a visa and all that jazz but all of that went over without a hitch.

twenty-six. I don't think I have any experience I would like to do over, I mean I would love to sit and watch Bean roll over, crawl, stand and such all over again but I have another eighteen-ish years of "firsts" to see so I don't think I will be missing out.

twenty-seven. The best gift that I received was the Canon S120 I got for my birthday this year, it has been great for capturing all of Bean's little moments even though I don't know how to use it all yet.

twenty-eight. I don't think my overall outlook on life has had an evolution, my outlook varies with each day from hopeful, to hopeless and everything in between.

twenty-nine. The biggest problem that I solved was how to get through to myself. I have always had changes I wanted to make but have never really figured out how to get the motivation needed for that first step but I think I have figured it out, mostly at least.

thirty. Again I will have to refer back to my standard baby answer, Bean would make this face, he would wrinkle his nose up and squint his eyes and then breath really loudly through his nose. He would do that at me when he was in his playpen and I wasn't paying attention to him and my goodness it was the funniest and cutest thing I had ever seen.

thirty-one. The best purchase of this year has probably been my black high-waisted jeans I just recently bought but haven't taken them off since. I don't know why it has taken me so long to own a pair but I am certain that the new year will bring in at least one more new pair.

thirty-two. I hate to think about changing the past, because if I did then I wouldn't be where I am now but I think maybe I would have done my work out on those days that I chose to stuff my face with nutella instead.

thirty-three. I deserve a pat on the back for putting my best face forward every day, even the days when I want nothing more than to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

thirty-four. Playing with Bean, when we are lost in a game or when I am just watching him play by himself...I can do those for hours.

thirty-five. I think about my future more than anything, which I am trying to change, I need to be better at enjoying the present and not over stressing what hasn't happened yet.

thirty-six. I have really been enjoying learning German, my tutor studied linguistics so she is able to give me background information that I have found very helpful and interesting during our lessons.

thirty-seven. New habits I have cultivated: being more restrictive with my spending, making my bed, working out almost every day, writing in a journal (most days), better sleeping habits, washing my face every day, self-care habits (beauty and mental habits), and better eating habits (though I still crave chocolate like no other).

thirty-eight. I would tell myself to read more, and to not get so caught up in what everyone else was doing around me and to just do things at my own pace.

thirty-nine. I did a complete 180 in regards to my beliefs. Not that what I believed in has changed but rather I now feel like I can and should do something about my beliefs. I guess I went from being passive and apathetic to passionate and maybe a teensy bit more radical.

forty. Again, Bean is the answer. He has changed my life in so many ways, and he has made me into a person who feels worthy to live. He saved my life, there is zero doubt about that but he has also made me want to be a better person.

YEAR IN REVIEW PART I

I don't know why all my posts end up in list format, but yet they do and I am not going to fight it. Anuschka from Into Mind wrote a blog post "Your Year in Review" with fifty questions and I thought I would answer them here. I've split it up into three parts so here are the first twenty questions, I've tried to keep my responses short and sweet because lord knows I could have written paragraphs for each question.

one. My move to Germany will be the moment I tell my grandchildren about, I have had a lot of changes this year but moving to Germany on my own was one of the biggest risks I have taken and so far it has paid off.

two. Three words to describe 2014: exciting, exhausting and enlightening.

three. I discovered that I am in fact a morning person, and that I am not nearly as apathetic as I thought I was when it comes to my beliefs.

four. My greatest achievement has been motherhood, I feel like people have been surprised at how I have handled that...I'm not sure how I feel about that but I am proud of myself and little family.

five. The best news I received was getting approved for my visa here in Germany.

six. I've visited many beautiful cities this year but my favourite is still Münster, Germany. It is a gorgeous city and I could definitely see myself living there someday.

seven. My most helpful qualities this year aren't my most endearing, my vanity has allowed me to be in the best shape I have ever been and my stubbornness because it has allowed me to speak my mind and raise my son the way I want to.

eight. My sister and I have gotten closer since my pregnancy, she always has been my rock but it has been even clearer to me in the last year.

nine. I've learned how to maintain a schedule, rise early and go to bed before midnight. 

ten. I am most thankful for my beautiful little Bean.

eleven. The book genre that best encompasses my 2014 would probably have to be one of the "finding-yourself" books, you know the ones where the protagonists current situation seems bleak therefore they must go on some big adventure to recapture their joie de vivre.

twelve. The most important lesson that I have learned this year is that perfection does not exist, yes I would like to "have it all" but there are only so many hours of the day and some of that time needs to be used to recharge.

thirteen. I have let go of the notion that things will never change, whether it's my habits or the world around me, I no longer believe anyone or anything is above change and that I should do my best to encourage my own growth and make an impact on the world.

fourteen. I can't choose five people that I have enjoyed spending time with this year, there have been many people who have helped me make this year memorable, I will leave it at that.

fifteen. No career breakthrough this year, seeing as all things career wise are on hold.

sixteen. My relationship with my family has evolved in the sense that I am now their peer, rather than just another one of the little cousins running around.

seventeen. I have read few books this year, I think the book "Bringing Up Bébé" by Pamela Druckerman really influenced me because it really put into words the way I feel about parenting, and it introduced me to a couple other new ideas that I wish to incorporate into mine and my son's life.

eighteen. My favourite compliment that I have received this year was that I look happy, no one has said that to me in a while.

nineteen. Some little things that I enjoy in my day-to-day life are smiles from Bean, his giggles and the moment I finally get to curl up into bed under my warm blankets.

twenty. I'm not sure what I have created this year, I guess I could say this blog has been cool but I am still not so good at it.

WOW

So just a little recap, because clearly twenty-fourteen hasn't been my year for consistent blogging

one. survived our first household stomach bug

two. decorated for our first Christmas together in Germany (and our first tree together)

three. this little Bean is walking, sometimes

four. and he had his first birthday

five. and finally I am still an aimless bored housewife (house-girlfriend?) who spends all her free time watching bad tv shows and picking up toys around the house

Maybe blogging isn't my thing, but I will keep trying. I have a few posts in my drafts but I keep feeling too self conscious to post because I feel like they sound more intense then I intend it to be... I'm hoping the new year will bring some new changes, I have some very specific goals I wish to achieve so fingers crossed, and hopefully I will keep y'all (my non-existent readers) posted!

D

NOVEMBER GOALS + OCTOBER RECAP

I feel like every month seems to fly by faster than the previous one, but I guess that's just what happens when you get older. October brought the first bout of cold rainy winter weather here in Germany and let me tell you, even as someone who hails from a city called "Rain-couver", it's depressing. I guess the difference is that living in a small town with no transit system hinder my mobility as it is so that when it's rainy I am definitely not leaving the house. Oh well I just know now I will have to work extra hard to stay positive during these winter months, but I'm sure watching Bean learn and grow will be a great distraction.

Here is how I did last month:

one. Eat Better. Mostly

I still ate a lot of toast with Nutella, but I also began re-introducing sweet potatoes in my diet. We did a bunch of veggie filled soup/stews which were lovely.

two. Read at least one new book. Yes, only one

Yeah I had hoped to do more but one it was. I read #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso which I thoroughly enjoyed and will hopefully be doing a post around my thoughts on the book at some point in the near future.

three. Create something. Not really

I wasn't feeling super creative this past month, so I really didn't do anything in this respect. I think I need to work on some things within myself first before I can put my efforts towards anything external.

four. Establish one new habits. Yes!

Creating habits take time so I was extremely surprised that I realized that started (and stuck with) two new things this month, I began making my bed and I began writing in my journal before going to sleep. I've been following Leo Babauta's advice for changing habits almost religiously.

November Goals:

one. Clean a little bit every day

two. Improve my German

three. Be more in tune with my body

four. Read more to Bean

GETTING SETTLED: LANGUAGE

Moving to a new country is definitely an engaging experience, you are thrown completely out of your comfort zone and then you have to work towards creating a new normal in this foreign environment. Three months into my move I feel like Bean and I have settled into a pretty decent routine, our apartment is looking more and more like home and I can walking into the city now without feeling like everyone knows that I am not from here (not that they could before but irrational feelings). Before moving here I had very little exposure to the German language, the only spoken German I had heard before H was in war documentaries, films and the occasional satire on television. In school I studied French and Spanish, German was never even on my radar. I cannot say that I am picking up the language as well as I had hoped but at the same time I really have not been putting in the effort, I am seriously hoping to change that but for now here are a few things I have learned...

one. The Alphabet

The German alphabet is exactly the same as the English one, just add a few extra vowels and weird "S" thing. But my dear friend, the letters do not sound the same, here's a quick (and rough) guide to German pronunciation: F's sound like V's (not all the time though), J's sounds like Y's, W's sound like V's, V's sound like F's and Z's sound like T and S together. Do you feel enlightened, I know I do now!

two. Genau

This is probably the most used word in the German language, it means "right" but is generally used in all situations of consensus. I'm pretty sure in order to join a conversation all I have to do is stand there and say "Ja, ja Genau" and I'll be golden.

three. Just Sound Angry

Seriously everything in German sounds so harsh, what I think is an intense argument over the phone is actually just plans being made about visiting H's parents for coffee over the weekend. Unless someone laughs I genuinely think German people are being indignant with each other.

Okay, okay all joking aside, I really do need to learn German, if anyone has any tips I am all ears. It really is an interesting language and I am really enjoying trying to figure out how it works. I like that is has a lot of rules, and that it doesn't seem to rely too much on irregular verb conjugation (I'm looking at you English). Oh and the best part about German it's compound words.

FIVE THINGS I CANNOT DO

While I am definitely trying to encourage myself to think more positively about things and to look at my flaws as personal challenges, sometimes I do need to remind myself that I am not perfect and that is okay. I don't have to be good at everything, I don't have to have the healthiest habits, the most productive habits and I don't have to be the best that I can be every second of everyday. These are a few things that I consistently fail at, and for the moment I am just going to accept them and still love myself regardless.

one. Exercise self-control around baked goods

Seriously, chocolate and vanilla beans have like a magnetic pull for me, H's family knows already that if we are having a cake with coffee you can pretty much guarantee I'll be having seconds.

two. Not binge watch The Good Wife during my spare moments

Folding laundry and doing squats is much more enjoyable Mrs. Florrick 

three. Cleaning poopy baby clothes

Shit goes right in the trash, he can get a new shirt I don't care.

four. Cooking simple meals

I cook for a family of four. Only two people eat my meals (Bean gets separate food for the moment) but I cook enough for four plates/bowls because H doesn't eat anything substantial during the day (don't even get me started on that) so he eats approximately three times the amount I do. I like a variety of vegetables and textures in my meals which requires a lot of peeling and chopping but sometimes I wish I could just throw a box into the microwave and call it a day (I can't, I am obsessed with eating fresh food, much to our budgets dismay).

five. Replying to text messages

This is the only one that I actually feel guilty about, I used to be great at this but since Bean came around I now one of those people who reads a message and doesn't look at my phone again for a couple hours.

ONE HUNDRED DAYS

(source)

Four and a half years ago I was given a piece of wisdom that I have held onto to get me through all the difficult times in my life. I was in the hospital at the time and the psychiatrist that was treating me pulled me aside and told me it take a hundred days for things to be okay. He went on to explain how in a hundred days, a new habit (or habits) are formed and that in his experience after a hundred days things seem to hurt less. Maybe its because of new habits but what I took from it was that a hundred days is just the right amount of time to look back on things in a new light. Since then I count the milestones in my life by the hundredth day mark and today marks my hundredth day in Germany. 

In the past hundred days I've gone from excitement at my arrival, to frustration at my alienation, which led to some homesickness and resentment at my situation but now after the landslide of strong emotions I now feel comfort. I have a home here, I have a family here, I'm even getting a hang of the language (understanding how it works at least, I will not be conversing any time soon). I still have my doubts for sure but the hundred days isn't supposed to mean that everything is suddenly peachy-keen it just means that it hurts less. Being away from everyone I know and love hurts less, being a new environment hurts less, and even though I don't know what I am going to do here my feelings are no longer as dour. While this milestone was more of calculated risk then the free-fall I oft find myself in it does not make this experience so far any less impactful on the path my life is headed in, and now a hundred days in there nowhere to go but up or forward, rather to continue my metaphor.