ON BEING REMARKABLE

In my eleventh grade creative writing course, for the last term of the year we had to put together a poetry portfolio comprising of a few of our own original pieces as well as some course mandated ones. One of our assigned tasks was to write a poem with an epitaph and although I learned now that the term epitaph was used loosely (she just wanted us to begin our work with a quote) it lead to one of my poems that has stuck with me though out the years. I, being the lazy student that I was, used the miss-attributed and miss-quoted quote (serves me right for using something from the opening of a Criminal Minds episode) "nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable" supposedly by William Shakespeare. Now while this was an overall fail in just about every respect it has provided me with my motivation in recent years when trying to decide how I wanted to live my life.

Trying to be remarkable fueled my university years, I lived unconventionally (read: slovenly), I dressed weirdly (oversized coats and tight black dresses), I partied too hard and I came up short academically...yet all of that is pretty well the makings of any university typical university experience. Then something happened that did set me apart from the rest, I got pregnant and suddenly everything I was doing to try to be different could no longer co-exist with the fact that I was bringing new life into this world. In light of that realization I did what I thought I had to do, I conformed, I conformed to what was expected of me as woman, as new mom and I hated it. I feel more ordinary now than I ever have my entire life, and while it is comfortable and safe I know beyond a shadow of doubt that this is not the life for me. I probably won't be breaking out the black lipstick on regular basis any time soon, but I want to make a genuine effort set myself apart from everyone and live my life for me. I have never felt like I fit in, and it really brought me down for a long a time but now I want for my son to be happy with who he is and who better to teach him than me. It's time to let my inner freak flag fly and to stop caring about what I am supposed to do, and start putting my energy in to what it is that I want to do, even if it feels ridiculous (like wearing dresses every day) because you can't be remarkable if you worry about being like everyone else, you have to stand on your own and shine!

BOOKS: MARABOU STORK NIGHTMARES

I used to be voracious reader, like in high school I was the kid never paying attention because I would be reading a book hidden beneath my desk. Once university came around, reading for pleasure fell by the way side and minus a few bursts of binge reading I have never really been able to make a habit of it again. Well 2015 is going to be the year I change that and I started off with an interesting choice as my first book finished of the year: Marabou Stork Nightmares by Irvine Welsh.

This book was so out of my usual comfort zone for books which I think is what I needed. Generally I read trashy crime novels, YA fiction with several other miscellaneous genres in which the plot generally revolves around people who feel lost and disconnected from the world...I'm very predictable. Marabou Stork Nightmares still focused on an oddball character Roy Strang but the story is mostly told through his subconscious and just in general a very different style than I am used to. I am not sure how much I enjoyed the book for the book itself but I really enjoyed the fact that I had no idea what was going to happen and I liked the unreliable narrator point of view. This book was brutal and difficult to read at points (the Edinburgh Scottish accent) but I do recommend it, and I will definitely be reading it again at some point when I get my own copy.

Would recommend? Yes, but not for the faint of heart.

** Instead of ranking by stars which I think is super arbitrary I will just say if I recommend a book or not.

YEAR IN REVIEW PART III: 2015

Happy New year, here are the final ten questions to ring in the new year.

forty-one. I want my theme for the next year to be progress, moving forward and getting myself to where I want to be.

forty-two. I'm not really one for seeing/discovering/exploring, I just want to live my life, I never set out to raise a family in a foreign land but it happened, so lets see what happens next.

forty-three. I live far away from a lot of the people I would like to see more so it would be an unrealistic goal but I want to appreciate my time here with my little family more, and not take it for granted.

forty-four. I want to learn how to do the splits, I want to be fluent in German (aiming high, I know), I want to be more disciplined with my writing and I want to master my self control around chocolate.

forty-five. I want to get better (and more consistent) with meditation, I want to foster my desire to be a better person and maybe volunteer, or be more rigorous with my recycling and I want a stomach that you can bounce a coin off of.

forty-six. Overall I want my everyday life to be productive, I survived the first year of motherhood by just getting through each day. Now that Bean is more independent I have no excuse not to be working towards doing something with my life.

forty-seven. I want to change my computer habits, I spend too much time on my computer doing nothing. Other habits I want to change or grow or get rid of have been touched on already.

forty-eight. Honestly, I want to have a job next year, any job really, I am not in any position to be picky.

forty-nine. I want 2015 to be the year that I found my footing, that I figured out what direction I want my life to go in.

fifty. My number one goal is to do what makes me happy. I feel like I have spent a lot of time worrying about everyone else and everything else and honestly wallowing in my own misery sometimes so I need to get it together and take care of myself.

YEAR IN REVIEW PART II

Onwards,here are the next twenty questions.

twenty-one. My most common mental state was probably nervous, I don't care much for change and this whole year has been change.

twenty-two. I went on a roller-coaster for the first time, which was the first thing listed on my bucket-list.

twenty-three. I don't think I have a favourite moment, nothing really stands out as the best. At the risk of sounding like a broken record all the "firsts" of Bean's first year of life have been incredible so probably one of those moments.

twenty-four. Taking better care of myself has been a major achievement this year, it is definitely still a work in progress but I think I laid a fairly solid foundation for it this year.

twenty-five. My worries regarding getting into Germany, getting a visa and all that jazz but all of that went over without a hitch.

twenty-six. I don't think I have any experience I would like to do over, I mean I would love to sit and watch Bean roll over, crawl, stand and such all over again but I have another eighteen-ish years of "firsts" to see so I don't think I will be missing out.

twenty-seven. The best gift that I received was the Canon S120 I got for my birthday this year, it has been great for capturing all of Bean's little moments even though I don't know how to use it all yet.

twenty-eight. I don't think my overall outlook on life has had an evolution, my outlook varies with each day from hopeful, to hopeless and everything in between.

twenty-nine. The biggest problem that I solved was how to get through to myself. I have always had changes I wanted to make but have never really figured out how to get the motivation needed for that first step but I think I have figured it out, mostly at least.

thirty. Again I will have to refer back to my standard baby answer, Bean would make this face, he would wrinkle his nose up and squint his eyes and then breath really loudly through his nose. He would do that at me when he was in his playpen and I wasn't paying attention to him and my goodness it was the funniest and cutest thing I had ever seen.

thirty-one. The best purchase of this year has probably been my black high-waisted jeans I just recently bought but haven't taken them off since. I don't know why it has taken me so long to own a pair but I am certain that the new year will bring in at least one more new pair.

thirty-two. I hate to think about changing the past, because if I did then I wouldn't be where I am now but I think maybe I would have done my work out on those days that I chose to stuff my face with nutella instead.

thirty-three. I deserve a pat on the back for putting my best face forward every day, even the days when I want nothing more than to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

thirty-four. Playing with Bean, when we are lost in a game or when I am just watching him play by himself...I can do those for hours.

thirty-five. I think about my future more than anything, which I am trying to change, I need to be better at enjoying the present and not over stressing what hasn't happened yet.

thirty-six. I have really been enjoying learning German, my tutor studied linguistics so she is able to give me background information that I have found very helpful and interesting during our lessons.

thirty-seven. New habits I have cultivated: being more restrictive with my spending, making my bed, working out almost every day, writing in a journal (most days), better sleeping habits, washing my face every day, self-care habits (beauty and mental habits), and better eating habits (though I still crave chocolate like no other).

thirty-eight. I would tell myself to read more, and to not get so caught up in what everyone else was doing around me and to just do things at my own pace.

thirty-nine. I did a complete 180 in regards to my beliefs. Not that what I believed in has changed but rather I now feel like I can and should do something about my beliefs. I guess I went from being passive and apathetic to passionate and maybe a teensy bit more radical.

forty. Again, Bean is the answer. He has changed my life in so many ways, and he has made me into a person who feels worthy to live. He saved my life, there is zero doubt about that but he has also made me want to be a better person.

YEAR IN REVIEW PART I

I don't know why all my posts end up in list format, but yet they do and I am not going to fight it. Anuschka from Into Mind wrote a blog post "Your Year in Review" with fifty questions and I thought I would answer them here. I've split it up into three parts so here are the first twenty questions, I've tried to keep my responses short and sweet because lord knows I could have written paragraphs for each question.

one. My move to Germany will be the moment I tell my grandchildren about, I have had a lot of changes this year but moving to Germany on my own was one of the biggest risks I have taken and so far it has paid off.

two. Three words to describe 2014: exciting, exhausting and enlightening.

three. I discovered that I am in fact a morning person, and that I am not nearly as apathetic as I thought I was when it comes to my beliefs.

four. My greatest achievement has been motherhood, I feel like people have been surprised at how I have handled that...I'm not sure how I feel about that but I am proud of myself and little family.

five. The best news I received was getting approved for my visa here in Germany.

six. I've visited many beautiful cities this year but my favourite is still Münster, Germany. It is a gorgeous city and I could definitely see myself living there someday.

seven. My most helpful qualities this year aren't my most endearing, my vanity has allowed me to be in the best shape I have ever been and my stubbornness because it has allowed me to speak my mind and raise my son the way I want to.

eight. My sister and I have gotten closer since my pregnancy, she always has been my rock but it has been even clearer to me in the last year.

nine. I've learned how to maintain a schedule, rise early and go to bed before midnight. 

ten. I am most thankful for my beautiful little Bean.

eleven. The book genre that best encompasses my 2014 would probably have to be one of the "finding-yourself" books, you know the ones where the protagonists current situation seems bleak therefore they must go on some big adventure to recapture their joie de vivre.

twelve. The most important lesson that I have learned this year is that perfection does not exist, yes I would like to "have it all" but there are only so many hours of the day and some of that time needs to be used to recharge.

thirteen. I have let go of the notion that things will never change, whether it's my habits or the world around me, I no longer believe anyone or anything is above change and that I should do my best to encourage my own growth and make an impact on the world.

fourteen. I can't choose five people that I have enjoyed spending time with this year, there have been many people who have helped me make this year memorable, I will leave it at that.

fifteen. No career breakthrough this year, seeing as all things career wise are on hold.

sixteen. My relationship with my family has evolved in the sense that I am now their peer, rather than just another one of the little cousins running around.

seventeen. I have read few books this year, I think the book "Bringing Up Bébé" by Pamela Druckerman really influenced me because it really put into words the way I feel about parenting, and it introduced me to a couple other new ideas that I wish to incorporate into mine and my son's life.

eighteen. My favourite compliment that I have received this year was that I look happy, no one has said that to me in a while.

nineteen. Some little things that I enjoy in my day-to-day life are smiles from Bean, his giggles and the moment I finally get to curl up into bed under my warm blankets.

twenty. I'm not sure what I have created this year, I guess I could say this blog has been cool but I am still not so good at it.

WOW

So just a little recap, because clearly twenty-fourteen hasn't been my year for consistent blogging

one. survived our first household stomach bug

two. decorated for our first Christmas together in Germany (and our first tree together)

three. this little Bean is walking, sometimes

four. and he had his first birthday

five. and finally I am still an aimless bored housewife (house-girlfriend?) who spends all her free time watching bad tv shows and picking up toys around the house

Maybe blogging isn't my thing, but I will keep trying. I have a few posts in my drafts but I keep feeling too self conscious to post because I feel like they sound more intense then I intend it to be... I'm hoping the new year will bring some new changes, I have some very specific goals I wish to achieve so fingers crossed, and hopefully I will keep y'all (my non-existent readers) posted!

D

NOVEMBER GOALS + OCTOBER RECAP

I feel like every month seems to fly by faster than the previous one, but I guess that's just what happens when you get older. October brought the first bout of cold rainy winter weather here in Germany and let me tell you, even as someone who hails from a city called "Rain-couver", it's depressing. I guess the difference is that living in a small town with no transit system hinder my mobility as it is so that when it's rainy I am definitely not leaving the house. Oh well I just know now I will have to work extra hard to stay positive during these winter months, but I'm sure watching Bean learn and grow will be a great distraction.

Here is how I did last month:

one. Eat Better. Mostly

I still ate a lot of toast with Nutella, but I also began re-introducing sweet potatoes in my diet. We did a bunch of veggie filled soup/stews which were lovely.

two. Read at least one new book. Yes, only one

Yeah I had hoped to do more but one it was. I read #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso which I thoroughly enjoyed and will hopefully be doing a post around my thoughts on the book at some point in the near future.

three. Create something. Not really

I wasn't feeling super creative this past month, so I really didn't do anything in this respect. I think I need to work on some things within myself first before I can put my efforts towards anything external.

four. Establish one new habits. Yes!

Creating habits take time so I was extremely surprised that I realized that started (and stuck with) two new things this month, I began making my bed and I began writing in my journal before going to sleep. I've been following Leo Babauta's advice for changing habits almost religiously.

November Goals:

one. Clean a little bit every day

two. Improve my German

three. Be more in tune with my body

four. Read more to Bean