LEARNING HOW TO FAIL

(A personal failing of mine: an inability to keep my shoes clean)

I never really thought of myself as a perfectionist. I was in an art program for three years of my high school career and man were there some perfectionists there. One of those perfectionists became someone I now consider one of my oldest and closest friends, and he destroyed a BEAUTIFULLY made ceramic frog (I'm talking super realistic, and at fourteen years old no less) because when he painted it he thought it didn't look right. I'm not going to lie, I kind of hated him for it. I enjoyed doing things I was good at, I didn't have to be the best (and I definitely wasn't) but things like drawing, painting and later on writing came very naturally to me so that's what I did. Looking back I see so many things that I missed out because I was afraid of failure, I was a different kind of perfectionist, instead of obsessing until the final product was perfect, I just didn't even bother unless I knew I would do well. I have three specific examples in my life that I want to use to illustrate this.

My first example was when I was probably thirteen, at my school we had had a performance by some martial artists doing Capoeira and I remember thinking wow I want to be able to do that! So my mother signed me up for a course at our local community center and I took the bus over after school walked up to the designated room and stopped. I watched the kids in there already practicing and I felt this awful pit in my stomach, I spent several minutes trying to talk myself into going but I ended up just going home and telling my mother I just didn't feel well. I took me two more times of standing in front of those door unable to go in before I went to my mother in tears and said I didn't want to do Capoeira any more. The idea of going in a complete beginner in front of more experienced students terrified me.

My second example was university. I attended university for three years and I can definitely say I was a less than stellar student for several reasons. One being that I lacked discipline, two because I had too much freedom and three because I was no longer the smartest kid in the room. I did well my last two years of high school, I got great grades, I had a job, I even participated in extra-curriculars (which I never did before and never did again) and while I may not have been the top kid in class, I was definitely high ranking and because of that I developed a sense of superiority over my fellow classmates. Not in an antagonistic way, but I was someone that people didn't naturally assume was smart and I was proud of that. Now when I got to university, one of the top schools in Canada at the time I was suddenly on a campus full of kids who were the smartest of the room, and I quickly realized I was one of the less-smart, smart people and so instead of working harder (and risk not improving) I embraced the slacker lifestyle and turned myself into an under achiever, because that way when I did well it was a great surprise and when I did badly, well that's what I expected anyways.

My final example is what I am struggling with right now. I mentioned before that I have a plan for my future now, and that plan involves my return to school and learning subjects that I have either previously failed at or never even done in the first place. My whole life I have been bad at math; it's not that I can't do arithmetic, or algebra or any of it, my failings are because of lack of understanding but rather lack of patience. My biggest problem with math is that I just want to push through it and get it done, I make little mistakes like forgetting to copy out a negative symbol or writing out a number wrong or dividing the wrong two numbers and then I don't check my work. Right now I have to learn math, I have to take pre-calculus starting next month so I have been trying to review to prepare and it's awful. Getting questions wrong kills my soul, I take it personally, which is ridiculous because they are literally INANIMATE NUMBERS (or letters/symbols).

So what does all of this say about me? What am I trying to get at with all of this? Well maybe I'm realizing that the reason I am so unhappy with my life, why I feel so unfulfilled is because I never pushed myself. I put myself into this little box of skills and never bothered to branch out, once someone told me I was good at something that was it, that was all I needed and I never sought out to improve or do more. I am learning how to fail daily,I fail at yoga when I get impatient during my practice, I fail at motherhood when Bean falls off the couch when I'm not paying attention. I fail at being a girlfriend when I get snappy for no reason. I fail at being a functional human being when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and I fail at math. It can be unbelievably disheartening sometimes but I am also learning. All it takes is reminding myself to focus on my next breath in yoga, or to sit on the couch when I'm doing something distracting so that Bean is nearby, or telling H that I love him and apologize when I am out of line and to just take a deep breath and move onto my next equation and try a little bit harder. Failing sucks, but you can't get anywhere without it and while I do wish this was a lesson I had learned earlier in life (and then maybe paid more attention in math class) I'll take it now because hopefully now I can do something greater than I could have before.

THE BEST BREAKFAST SMOOTHIE

Bananas and I have a very tumultuous relationship. For a long time I wouldn't eat them due to their texture, then I discovered smoothies and I went through  three bananas a day, then during my pregnancy suddenly bananas made me sick and I had to change my entire way of eating since it had become so dependent on those beautiful yellow fruits. I love bananas and I love smoothies and I'm not going to lie I felt pretty lost for a while when I had neither in my life. Recently bananas don't make me sick, so long as they are not the first thing I consume in the morning, so when I say that this smoothie is my breakfast there is a little asterisk next to it to saying I don't count the necessary preemptive piece of toast that I eat to avoid awful stomach cramping.

So onto this smoothie, this is one of my two staple breakfasts. The second is a decadent bowl of oatmeal with all the fixings that I reserve for my evening workout days and this smoothie is for the days that I do some morning power yoga. It's filling for sure, filled with plant fats and energy boosters and it tastes like dessert; the perfect post-workout smoothie. The ingredients aren't set in stone at all so this "recipe" is more guidelines because really you can just throw in whatever tastes good. Here are the basics with a few optional things too. 

Post-Workout Smoothie:

1-2 bananas (preferably frozen)

4 dates (if I have time I pre-soak them, but not always)

1 heaped tsp flax seeds (if using ground use a bit less)

1 heaped tsp maca

2 tbsp rolled oats

1 tsp vanilla (extract, powder, paste...whichever your heart desires)

1 small cup of liquid (usually almond or coconut milk sometimes just water oh and oat milk is wonderful as well)
*a few ice cubes if your bananas weren't frozen

Some optional add-ins:

Handful mild-tasting greens (spinach is usually best but use whatever, I've even used arugula and couldn't taste the peppery flavour)

A peeled and chopped apple (if you want a more "fresh" taste)

1 tsp maple syrup (for that extra sugary goodness)

1 tsp cocoa powder (or raw cacao powder)
1 tbsp nut/seed butter
1-2 tbsp coconut cream (my FAVOURITE add-in, put a can of coconut milk in the fridge then scoop the thick creamy coconut bit off the top, super yum)

THE PLAN

In case you haven't figured it out by my previous posts, I'm not exactly someone who has their life together, like at all. Winter this year has been rough on me, and I've been battling with ridiculous amounts of envy towards people my age who are doing things with their lives. However, in an effort to be more positive I've spent some time really working on a plan. No more "what if's, maybe's or if only's" just real, tangible goals that I can work up towards and I think I have figured it out. For the first time I have plotted myself a real career path that I'm excited to get started on. It will be hard work, I have to re-do some high school credits, re-do some university credits but I can honestly say I have never been more excited to learn math in my life. Now that I know I can work hard to raise a child, what's to stop me from continuing (other than university tuition, childcare and other living fees) to reach higher. I will be have to work my ass off, I've already started but once I register for courses there isn't going to be much down time for the next 4-5 years but I think I can do it, I'm still young and I have an amazingly supportive family so why not.

*Disclaimer* Since writing this post my potential prospects are far less tangible than I had expected, but nevertheless I am working hard to remain optimistic and still find some way to make it work.

SAYING THANKS

I feel like I have been very negative on this space for the last little while, this is probably due to the fact that I have been feeling very negative in my life in general the last little while. I tend to find myself slipping down a very familiar slope when the weather is cold and I am stuck indoors and those feeling have been exacerbated by feeling isolated in a foreign country, but I am determined not to let myself slip too far into bad habits this time. I wanted to just take a moment to be grateful and focus on all the positive things in my life. So no pictures, no fancy ideas, just me giving thanks for all the wonderful things I have.

one. Thank you Bean

For being the light of my life, for being able to make me smile no matter how blue I am feeling and for being the driving reason for me to get out of bed every single morning.

two. Thank you H

For providing for our little family, for supporting me while I try to figure out what to do with my life and for being so attractive it's a little bit unfair.

three. Thank you, my family

My parents, my grandmother, my sister, my aunts and really everyone have really been supportive of me and trying to help me when I come to them with problems big and small and I am also so thankful for all the love they show towards Bean, this little boy is surrounded by love.

four. Thank you, H's family

His whole family has been so welcoming towards us and very kind to me despite the language barrier. They all try to speak a little English with me which is incredible. H's parents are always happy to take Bean if we have things we have to get done, and his mom has always been able to come by if I need some extra help when H is at school. His sister-in-law has been so kind to me, checking in with me to see how I am doing and I love that we can talk about things, I wish we could spend more time together so our kids could play together too.

I have so many other things to be thankful for, and I am extremely grateful that I get to live comfortably and have access to everything that I need. I know that I need to express my gratitude more frequently. because it's hard to feel low when you focus on all the wonderful things in your life.

HOW NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm a bit of an asshole. You probably are too, you just don't realize it (or like me, don't want to realize it). Around ninety-seven percent of the time that I'm being an asshole I'm not aware of it, I had always fancied myself as a kind and generous person but recent experience with self-realization has flushed that notion down the drain.

Now I don't think being an asshole is incurable and when I do make the effort I am a lot more aware of my actions so here are a few tips you can put to use in your lives. 

one. Respect a person's time

This one hasn't been a big thing for me personally (I'm a chronic early arriver) but oh boy have I been on the receiving end of this. If you say you are going to meet someone/call someone/ do something for someone at a certain time then do it. If for whatever reason you won't be able to call (or text) to let them know. Simple as that, a text to cancel takes literally seconds or your day and can save a mountain of grief. Your time is not worth more than other peoples, stop acting like it. 

two. Stop playing the blame game

Everyone has crappy things happen their lives, everyone probably has has crappy people in their lives. It sucks, it drains you, it can damage your soul but only you can be responsible for turning that around. I've wasted so much of my life blaming my misfortunes on other people and it made me an extremely negative person. I'm not saying forgive and forget but rather accept that you cannot change the past and if you let your hurt weigh you down it can seep into all facets of your life. 

three. Not everything is about you

This is tied to the previous tip. Maybe you're pissed because your friends cancelled on you, or that your barista made your drink wrong or a woman snapped at you when you accidentally bumped into her. These little annoyances happen but don't contribute to them further by passing them on. Some are accidents, some are people being unintentional assholes, it's annoying but nothing more and definitely don't let them ruin your day. 

four. Be kind

When you ask for something say please, when someone makes an effort for you say thank you. Hold the door for someone, pick up the thing that someone has dropped, pay for someone's latte. Obviously there are situations when being kind is not beneficial (such as being cat called or when you know someone is intentionally taking advantage of you) but taking a kind approach to life in general is rarely a bad thing. 

five. Figure out how others feel loved

People feel love in different ways. In relationships (romantic, familial or otherwise) people can feel hurt if they don't feel loved, and unfortunately the way you feel loved might be different from the way that I'm used to showing love. Communication is super key here, to let others know what they can do for you and finding out what you can do for them. For example I feel love from gifts and actions, not in the self-centered materialistic way but rather in the tokens of affection way, like in that moment you were thinking of me. In comparison H feels love through spending time with me, if I can make myself available and set aside time for use to be with one another (doesn't matter what we are doing) he feels loved. It's not hard to figure out, it just takes you out of your own little bubble and to try to think like the other person for a moment and believe me it can make a world of difference. 

*bonus tip. Listen

I realized after I picked five that this one is kind of extremely important. Listen to what other people say, if your mother asks you to pick up milk on the way home, pay attention and remember to do it. If your partner is upset about something listen to their problem and see what you can do to help. If your little cousin wants to tell you about his new dinosaur toy pay attention and smile. Again, actually listening (and remembering) what people say can save you a lot of trouble. When you remember what people say it shows them that they are important, that they are a priority. If you are chronically forgetting what people say to you, to the point they they are hurt or calling you out on it write it down. There is no shame in writing things down if you have trouble remembering requests like picking up groceries or calling the doctor or a favour that you had promised to do for someone. Make an effort for other people and you won't seem like such an asshole. 

IS THIS IT?

When you are a teenager it feels like high school is the entire world. It feels like your friends, your love life (or rather there lack of), your grades are the be all and end all of your existence. Then you get into your twenties, and you think, wow that was so silly to get so caught up in high school politics, and drama and now you think that you are much wiser and therefore you won't get yourself into that type of emotional mess again. As you twenties move on you graduate university, you have zero job prospects, you probably live at home again, you have goals and aspirations but instead you work just enough to get by and drink a lot of wine on the weekends feeling hopeless. Does this sound familiar? Everyone else around you seems to have their shit figured out and they all just give you a sad little smile and say "don't worry, with some hard work you'll get there too". Now I'm not going to say that nobody has their shit figured out, it's not true, there are definitely some people out there who do have a pretty good grasp on this whole adulthood thing, I am definitely not one of them. Everyone wants a step by step guide to get them somewhere, a simple formula that so long as you do X and Y together you will be able to achieve Z. But again that's not true, yes many successful people wake up earlier in the day, many have a strict routine that they adhere to, many drink coffee without cream or sugar but doing all those things of course won't bring you success. I wish I could say something motivational and uplifting to end this but I guess you can just take solace in the fact that I feel just as lost as you.

THE SIMPLE LIFE: SLOWING DOWN

(Like my new plant? It's a Hoya Linearis, fingers crossed I don't kill it)

I have had my next "The Simple Life" post sitting in my drafts for months now, I wrote out most of it and then saved it and kept coming back to it to tweak but it never sat right. It was about single-tasking but I realized that single-tasking is only part of the idea that I was trying to convey. I want to talk about slowing down, and the importance of slow. Apparently there is a  whole movement behind this way of thinking, which I discovered as I was looking into pre-school programs for Bean. So what does it mean to slow down? Part of it is single-tasking, and prioritizing the important tasks while cutting out the superfluous once. Part of it is just generally being more efficient and effective with your time. Most of all however, I think it means really being present in whatever it is you are doing, giving each individual thing (task, person, moment,,,etc) your complete and undivided attention and as a result you will have a much more positive (and productive) experience.

Okay, well that all sounds well and good but how the heck are we supposed to apply that to real life? On a daily basis I have to keep the house clean, plan meals, run errands, exercise, keep track of everyone's lives, plan for my future etc, while also keeping a small human being alive and happy. As a parent there is only so much "slow" that is possible I think but it is possible to decelerate on a day to day basis. Below I have mentioned a few of the things that have worked for me and my lifestyle.

one. Write it down!

I live in my head, I take on mountains of responsibility and then get super overwhelmed when I feel like I have to keep track of everything. So I write it down, whether it is my grocery list, my plans for the week, my story ideas or just those little thoughts that I can't seem to get out of my brain. If I can remove a few of the items that are racing through my brain and put them on paper it really helps me re-focus myself and re-establish my sanity.

two. Yoga

I have been doing yoga consistently since the beginning of the new year, I've rarely missed more than a day or two and I have noticed a difference in myself. In yoga you don't get to go fast, if you want to have an effective practice you need to accept stillness in order to focus on your breath. This stillness has really helped me slow down, so much so that even when I am off the mat I have become more aware of my breath during the day and have been able to take that moment to remember to savor that experience. Checking in with my breath has made me enjoy the mundane so much more, and helped me appreciate each second that I am here.

three. Playing with Bean

Of course I have to put this one in here, and I think this is something every parent should do; just take some time in your day to really focus on your child. I know lives get busy, and I am lucky enough to be at home all day with son but I cannot stress enough the importance of checking in with your kid. Bean likes to play on his own, probably because he doesn't see other kids much, so usually I can get my stuff done while he is banging his blocks or rolling around with his teddy bear. I feel guilty when I am not paying attention to him every second but I also know I have things I need to get done too so I really try to put aside a chunk of my day to lie on the carpet and play with him, or watch him play and see what new things he is doing and learning. I think slowing down is especially important with kids because they change so quickly, and while they might be in a difficult stage (ie. angsty teen phase) each moment that passes is them getting older and changing and now I am rambling but what I am trying to say is appreciate your time with them. This also doesn't have to be just kids, it can be anyone you care about, parents, friends, siblings, partners, pets...anyone. Just slow down and appreciate having these people in your life.

Okay, sorry I got a little emotional there so here is just one last thing to finish this off. Slowing down is hard, the world we live in so fast paced and there is such a huge focus on instant gratification which I definitely fall into. But when I do remember to slow down, my experience is so much better, like infinitely better so that little extra effort to remember is worth the while.