HOW TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE WORST

Sometimes the worst case scenario happens, and when it does sometimes it's better than you expected and other times it is way, way worse. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms for when life goes sideways but not all of us are so well adjusted that we can just take it all in stride. As someone who is familiar with the feeling of hopelessness I thought I would share some of the things I do to get myself through the rough patches.

one. Remember why you get up in the morning
If you are someone like me, you know how the first battle of the day is just making yourself stand up on your bedroom floor. For many people their bed is a place of security, of warmth and coziness on the physical side and psychologically it can feel like a safe place that exists outside of the rest of the world. But as we all know the world doesn't stop turning just because you are in bed so at some point you have to get up. For some it's a job, for other's its children and some also just look forward to their day. When the worst thing happens remember the reasons you get out of bed, even if you have lost one of those reasons now, there are still others to get you moving.

two. Remember the people counting on you
This is similar to the first one but more specific. You are not an isolated being, you have parents, maybe siblings, maybe extended family. If you don't have family you probably have friends, or acquaintances you interact with and whose lives you have impacted. Your job likely has people counting on it, and sure maybe anyone can brew a cup of coffee, but its your job and people are counting on you to do it. You are part of a web that connects you to the rest of the world so someone or something is going to notice if you just decide to drop out of it, you are not nobody.

three. Remember you have survived before
I am like ninety-nine percent sure that nobody makes it out of life unscathed. Everyone goes through hardships at one point or another, whether it's something small like getting a bad grade, or as big as traumatic life event you have to remember that you are still here. Even if this is worse than anything you could have imagined, look back at all the things you have overcome so far, and acknowledge that yes it's going to be hard but your life is worth fighting for until the end, if not for yourself but for the others around you (see point two).

Here's a bonus one, I hesitated to include it because I don't think that you should belittle anyone's problems, because the same situation for you could feel a million times more difficult for someone else but at the same time it can help to look at the bigger picture and put things into perspective.

four. Remember it could be worse
There are some really awful things that happen in the world, there are very beautiful things and awful things and everything in between. If people can survive in war-stricken lands, face disease, live without shelter and minimal food it makes many of my problems seem small in comparison, and when things look smaller they feel a lot easier to overcome. Again this tip might not be helpful for everyone because your problem is just as real as someone elses, this helps me regain my focus and look at things in a different light.

And one final note, if it feels like the world around you is falling apart it is absolutely okay for you to fall apart. Nobody should have to pretend that shitty things don't affect them, we are all only human. This post is for after you fall apart, to help you string yourself back together because sometimes (I know from experience) that can be the hardest part. 

YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW

Yesterday I had no idea where I was going.

Today I can look back at where I've been.

And tomorrow seems so so far away.

BEAUTIFUL PLACES

Have done a little travelling the last few weeks, some new places, some old favourites. Here are some of the few pictures I took.

Weekend in Hamburg:

Day Trip to Cologne:

Weekend in Amsterdam:

Father's Day in Münster:

LEARNING HOW TO FAIL

(A personal failing of mine: an inability to keep my shoes clean)

I never really thought of myself as a perfectionist. I was in an art program for three years of my high school career and man were there some perfectionists there. One of those perfectionists became someone I now consider one of my oldest and closest friends, and he destroyed a BEAUTIFULLY made ceramic frog (I'm talking super realistic, and at fourteen years old no less) because when he painted it he thought it didn't look right. I'm not going to lie, I kind of hated him for it. I enjoyed doing things I was good at, I didn't have to be the best (and I definitely wasn't) but things like drawing, painting and later on writing came very naturally to me so that's what I did. Looking back I see so many things that I missed out because I was afraid of failure, I was a different kind of perfectionist, instead of obsessing until the final product was perfect, I just didn't even bother unless I knew I would do well. I have three specific examples in my life that I want to use to illustrate this.

My first example was when I was probably thirteen, at my school we had had a performance by some martial artists doing Capoeira and I remember thinking wow I want to be able to do that! So my mother signed me up for a course at our local community center and I took the bus over after school walked up to the designated room and stopped. I watched the kids in there already practicing and I felt this awful pit in my stomach, I spent several minutes trying to talk myself into going but I ended up just going home and telling my mother I just didn't feel well. I took me two more times of standing in front of those door unable to go in before I went to my mother in tears and said I didn't want to do Capoeira any more. The idea of going in a complete beginner in front of more experienced students terrified me.

My second example was university. I attended university for three years and I can definitely say I was a less than stellar student for several reasons. One being that I lacked discipline, two because I had too much freedom and three because I was no longer the smartest kid in the room. I did well my last two years of high school, I got great grades, I had a job, I even participated in extra-curriculars (which I never did before and never did again) and while I may not have been the top kid in class, I was definitely high ranking and because of that I developed a sense of superiority over my fellow classmates. Not in an antagonistic way, but I was someone that people didn't naturally assume was smart and I was proud of that. Now when I got to university, one of the top schools in Canada at the time I was suddenly on a campus full of kids who were the smartest of the room, and I quickly realized I was one of the less-smart, smart people and so instead of working harder (and risk not improving) I embraced the slacker lifestyle and turned myself into an under achiever, because that way when I did well it was a great surprise and when I did badly, well that's what I expected anyways.

My final example is what I am struggling with right now. I mentioned before that I have a plan for my future now, and that plan involves my return to school and learning subjects that I have either previously failed at or never even done in the first place. My whole life I have been bad at math; it's not that I can't do arithmetic, or algebra or any of it, my failings are because of lack of understanding but rather lack of patience. My biggest problem with math is that I just want to push through it and get it done, I make little mistakes like forgetting to copy out a negative symbol or writing out a number wrong or dividing the wrong two numbers and then I don't check my work. Right now I have to learn math, I have to take pre-calculus starting next month so I have been trying to review to prepare and it's awful. Getting questions wrong kills my soul, I take it personally, which is ridiculous because they are literally INANIMATE NUMBERS (or letters/symbols).

So what does all of this say about me? What am I trying to get at with all of this? Well maybe I'm realizing that the reason I am so unhappy with my life, why I feel so unfulfilled is because I never pushed myself. I put myself into this little box of skills and never bothered to branch out, once someone told me I was good at something that was it, that was all I needed and I never sought out to improve or do more. I am learning how to fail daily,I fail at yoga when I get impatient during my practice, I fail at motherhood when Bean falls off the couch when I'm not paying attention. I fail at being a girlfriend when I get snappy for no reason. I fail at being a functional human being when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and I fail at math. It can be unbelievably disheartening sometimes but I am also learning. All it takes is reminding myself to focus on my next breath in yoga, or to sit on the couch when I'm doing something distracting so that Bean is nearby, or telling H that I love him and apologize when I am out of line and to just take a deep breath and move onto my next equation and try a little bit harder. Failing sucks, but you can't get anywhere without it and while I do wish this was a lesson I had learned earlier in life (and then maybe paid more attention in math class) I'll take it now because hopefully now I can do something greater than I could have before.

THE BEST BREAKFAST SMOOTHIE

Bananas and I have a very tumultuous relationship. For a long time I wouldn't eat them due to their texture, then I discovered smoothies and I went through  three bananas a day, then during my pregnancy suddenly bananas made me sick and I had to change my entire way of eating since it had become so dependent on those beautiful yellow fruits. I love bananas and I love smoothies and I'm not going to lie I felt pretty lost for a while when I had neither in my life. Recently bananas don't make me sick, so long as they are not the first thing I consume in the morning, so when I say that this smoothie is my breakfast there is a little asterisk next to it to saying I don't count the necessary preemptive piece of toast that I eat to avoid awful stomach cramping.

So onto this smoothie, this is one of my two staple breakfasts. The second is a decadent bowl of oatmeal with all the fixings that I reserve for my evening workout days and this smoothie is for the days that I do some morning power yoga. It's filling for sure, filled with plant fats and energy boosters and it tastes like dessert; the perfect post-workout smoothie. The ingredients aren't set in stone at all so this "recipe" is more guidelines because really you can just throw in whatever tastes good. Here are the basics with a few optional things too. 

Post-Workout Smoothie:

1-2 bananas (preferably frozen)

4 dates (if I have time I pre-soak them, but not always)

1 heaped tsp flax seeds (if using ground use a bit less)

1 heaped tsp maca

2 tbsp rolled oats

1 tsp vanilla (extract, powder, paste...whichever your heart desires)

1 small cup of liquid (usually almond or coconut milk sometimes just water oh and oat milk is wonderful as well)
*a few ice cubes if your bananas weren't frozen

Some optional add-ins:

Handful mild-tasting greens (spinach is usually best but use whatever, I've even used arugula and couldn't taste the peppery flavour)

A peeled and chopped apple (if you want a more "fresh" taste)

1 tsp maple syrup (for that extra sugary goodness)

1 tsp cocoa powder (or raw cacao powder)
1 tbsp nut/seed butter
1-2 tbsp coconut cream (my FAVOURITE add-in, put a can of coconut milk in the fridge then scoop the thick creamy coconut bit off the top, super yum)

THE PLAN

In case you haven't figured it out by my previous posts, I'm not exactly someone who has their life together, like at all. Winter this year has been rough on me, and I've been battling with ridiculous amounts of envy towards people my age who are doing things with their lives. However, in an effort to be more positive I've spent some time really working on a plan. No more "what if's, maybe's or if only's" just real, tangible goals that I can work up towards and I think I have figured it out. For the first time I have plotted myself a real career path that I'm excited to get started on. It will be hard work, I have to re-do some high school credits, re-do some university credits but I can honestly say I have never been more excited to learn math in my life. Now that I know I can work hard to raise a child, what's to stop me from continuing (other than university tuition, childcare and other living fees) to reach higher. I will be have to work my ass off, I've already started but once I register for courses there isn't going to be much down time for the next 4-5 years but I think I can do it, I'm still young and I have an amazingly supportive family so why not.

*Disclaimer* Since writing this post my potential prospects are far less tangible than I had expected, but nevertheless I am working hard to remain optimistic and still find some way to make it work.

SAYING THANKS

I feel like I have been very negative on this space for the last little while, this is probably due to the fact that I have been feeling very negative in my life in general the last little while. I tend to find myself slipping down a very familiar slope when the weather is cold and I am stuck indoors and those feeling have been exacerbated by feeling isolated in a foreign country, but I am determined not to let myself slip too far into bad habits this time. I wanted to just take a moment to be grateful and focus on all the positive things in my life. So no pictures, no fancy ideas, just me giving thanks for all the wonderful things I have.

one. Thank you Bean

For being the light of my life, for being able to make me smile no matter how blue I am feeling and for being the driving reason for me to get out of bed every single morning.

two. Thank you H

For providing for our little family, for supporting me while I try to figure out what to do with my life and for being so attractive it's a little bit unfair.

three. Thank you, my family

My parents, my grandmother, my sister, my aunts and really everyone have really been supportive of me and trying to help me when I come to them with problems big and small and I am also so thankful for all the love they show towards Bean, this little boy is surrounded by love.

four. Thank you, H's family

His whole family has been so welcoming towards us and very kind to me despite the language barrier. They all try to speak a little English with me which is incredible. H's parents are always happy to take Bean if we have things we have to get done, and his mom has always been able to come by if I need some extra help when H is at school. His sister-in-law has been so kind to me, checking in with me to see how I am doing and I love that we can talk about things, I wish we could spend more time together so our kids could play together too.

I have so many other things to be thankful for, and I am extremely grateful that I get to live comfortably and have access to everything that I need. I know that I need to express my gratitude more frequently. because it's hard to feel low when you focus on all the wonderful things in your life.